it doesnt matter whether the air is cold or warm; youre going to have to wade through it anyway.

our love now left a wilted flower
its dying season as the cold air elapses
our differences they separate us
in the midst of this bitter season
my heart yearns to speak
but listen closely to the silence
if we linger long enough
time may cure the broken heart
waiting for the pain to find the breeze
take away the sorrow which remains
as we walk away down divergent paths
we tread with hope that one day
love may reunite us

-nessa.

in the distant line of the horizon.

in the distant line of the horizon lies the hope of the future
the creation of the new
the destruction of the here and now
in the distant line of the horizon is the day
where man will realize imitation is suicide
where to be great is to be misunderstood
in the distant line of the horizon there is
the true meaning of love
the existence of perpetual youth
in the distant line of the horizon lies limitations
denial, doubt, ignorance, and envy begin to cloud the horizon
help me escape from this world this life i call mine
save me from myself because i have failed to do so
help me to see beyond the distant line of the horizon
where the sun shines and the birds chirp
i am sinking into an abyss filled with lies
with hate, with sorrow, with tears
i pray that the power of the wind and the rain
may wash away my fears
otherwise i will be
trapped
limited
helpless
in the distant line of the horizon

-nessa.

this is my tribute. listen up.

as i rustle in my sheets
i think about you and me
what weve done and where weve gone
i think about it for so long
and then i force myself to stop
cause all these memories have been lost
faded into black and white
memories out of sight
so i keep lying in my bed
flashback to sweet things you have said
i realize now its over
our love is like the leaves in october
color has changed and perspective too
i was so stupid to believe you
together forever is just a lie
i cant keep continuing to cry
so i put my pencil down and rest my case
but my mind cannot erase your face

-nessa.

i tried to be your picture perfect girl, but you were living in your own fantasy world.

its funny you know. were friends, but it doesnt really feel like that. it so hard to put into words. but here it goes.

so a girl from a big town met this boy from a small town in 2008 and they couldnt stop talking, k cut the bullshit, this isnt another fairytale.

we may not be "together" or in a "relationship" however you wanna define those two words, but we gave a new definition to "friendship"

friendship according to the life of vanessa hannay and zac petrucci:
"two people you care about each other, who reach out to each other, who are always there for one another, despite the differences, the heartbreak, the troubles, the past, two people who are not only willing but determined to make things work. two people who look at each other for what theyre worth on the inside, two people who love each other but will only say as friends because the truth is thats all those two people are meant to be right now. two people who reach for the stars together, share every thought and dream with each other, and arent scared of the future because they have each other. basically two people who experience together."

there are no limits on our friendship. i believe what we have is so strong, i dont think it will ever fade into the small figments of our minds. we are always going to be a part of each others' lives. and im thankful for that.

maybe i love you more than a friend, but im not going to ruin what we have right now.

so for now, zac petrucci, i love you as a friend.

-nessa.

all i do is think of you.

i look outside through the glass door

hoping that on the other side there is more

i look outside to the wilderness

and all i can do is think about how i miss

your hugs that followed every visit

falling asleep on the phone just listenin'

your voice that held my name so safe in your mouth

holding hands day in and day out

your kiss that made me fall in love

now i sit alone and look above

the sky holds no answers you see

all i get is clouds that stare back at me

when i go to sleep i lay there with no clue

all i can do is think about you 

i try to tell you again and again

that we are going to be together in the end

you say were fifteen we dont know what we want

i say live in the moment never give up

i only cry at the thought of goodbye

because i know we could work this out if we tried

our love is pure and that i am sure

you plus me is the only cure

i sit around thinking of what to do

because all i do is think about you

you think you know what is best

when in reality you know as much as the rest

dont make this mistake 

dont make this story a heartbreak

just this once please trust me

i know that we would both be happy

every two normal people fight

because no one is always right 

i love you and you love me

why cant that just be the end of the story

follow me lets do this together

you plus me only makes things better

so dont wait or hesitate when you know what to do

all i can do is think about you

-nessa.

oh the life we could have.

You hold the key
To my heart
This is where
The story starts
We take a walk
Along the beach
Feel the sand
Between your feet
Laugh and smile
Run around
Let’s stay here for awhile
And goof around
We change places
Now we’re at my house
We watch a movie
And cuddle on the couch
Then we go to your place
And you play me a song
If you’re lucky
I’ll sing along
Then we go to the dance floor
And feel the beat
We could dance all night
Without a seat
That’s the life
I wish we had
It’s not that way though
All I think is too bad
You keep your feelings
Locked inside
They’re building up
Like a high tide
Let them spill
What’s the deal
What do you want
How do you feel
Don’t be scared
To do what’s right
In the end
I’ll always fight
For you
My love my life
Let’s just stand
In the rain tonight
Share your feelings
One drop at a time
Afterwards, the sun might shine
Jumping from puddle to puddle
As the water dries up
Come on you can tell me
It’s not that tough

-nessa.

only fooling myself.

You say you love me;

Tell me babe what is love?

I thought it consisted of wonder and glee

So babe why aren't I smiling

You make my world spin around

You lift my feet up off the ground

I would bet my whole life's wishes

This is love

But who knows

Maybe I'm only fooling myself

Secrets secrets are no fun

So tell me are you being honest with me

Be open with me just this once

Is it love, oh is it love?

When I am with you

I enter a new world

You hold me in your arms

Yeah I love being your girl

But do you feel the same

You say you never lie

And sweetie I hate goodbyes

So tell me is this love 

I thought it was

But maybe I'm only fooling myself

We share our past, our present

We hope for the future

But I believe you don't want the same as me

I look up to the clouds,

Dream beyond the sun,

And say a prayer at night

That this is love; it cant last

Well then again, maybe I'm just fooling myself

-nessa.

relationships

A wise friend once told me: Relationships are worth fighting for.  However, you cannot be the only one fighting.  At times, people need to fight for you.  If they don't you just have to move on and realize what you gave them was more than they were ever willing to give you.

I wish I knew what love was.  I really do.  I mean I'm talking direct dictionary definition.  But maybe that is why love is so special afterall; nobody can define love.  Maybe love isn't consisted of a bunch of jumbled words.  I mean sure you could say "I love you" and mean it, but you could tell anyone you love them really.  Actions never fail to speak louder than words.  Maybe love is an action.  People should stop viewing it as a word.

Let's see.  I met a guy in 8th grade.  I had just moved recently and he was the first guy I stumbled upon that I considered to be "the boyfriend type".  Nothing real serious at first.  I remember the first time he called when we were friends.  Oh boy did my heart race.  He had asked me to come to Panera with him and some friends.  That is where it all began.  The boy, his name is Zac, in case you were wondering.  But I thought that was what love was at the time, looking at someone differently than you viewed anyone else.  I thought love was staying on i.m. until midnight just enjoying your typical conversation.  But, with him nothing seemed "typical".

Then March came around and he asked me to be his girlfriend.  I wanted to scream and run and click my heels because I was so happy, however replied with a simple "yes".  Then we hugged for the first time.  At this point, I thought love was in that hug, feeling something so special I had never felt before.  It wasn't just a friend hug this time that my bff would give me.  This was an "I am so happy I found you hug".

Then summer came around.  We had already kissed by then, and he was getting ready to leave for a trip, so we hung out the day before.  That was the first time we actually madeout.  I began to think love was kissing then and realizing, "hey I could get used to this".  I thought love was being able to get along and being able to live with a person.

Then Christmas happened, but not like it does every year.  This year was special cause "love" was in the air.  He got me the dream gift.  Something the "perfect boyfriend" would give you.  It was a necklace from tiffany.  I didn't see that gift coming at all.  I in return gave him gifts too, but my favorite was a picture of us sitting at his piano.  The frame was engraved with a quote I may never forget.  At this point, I thought love was giving gifts and receiving in return.

Then our one year anniversary came around.  WOW.  Most couples in highschool fail to last a whole year.  We were always viewed as the perfect couple.  At this point I felt like that was really coming true.  I felt like I had met the guy of my dreams.  Once again we exchanged gifts we will never forget (not like that people!) and I now had a new vision of love.  I thought love was enjoying the times you spent with someone you cared about and looking at stuff that happened months ago, and still smiling over it.

Then a few days ago came around.  We were recently fighting and he ended the relationship.  I cried the hardest I have ever cried before because I had lost the guy I shared my first "love" connection with.  However, all I wanted to do after that was talk.  He said some sweet things here and there but nothing was what I wanted to hear.  I wanted to hear "I want to be with you".  But, being persistant, we went to Panera recently and talked through some things.  He was telling me how he was scared it wouldn't work again.  I hated hearing those words.  But going through all this, I finally realized what love is.

Love is of course a special bond... but it is so much more than that.  Love is fighting.  Not the kind that involves yelling and screaming, but the kind that involves persistance and hardship and goals and determination.  I knew I loved Zac, always have, and always will.  But it never really showed until now.  I will not let this boy out of my life.  He is everything I life for.  Love is not being able to live without someone, not just being able to live with them.  And when you throw this all together, all my experiences, I finally found a true definition.  It may be too long to put in a dictionary, but my heart now knows what love is.  Love is passion for another person, spending every hour, every minute, every second, you have fighting for them to remain in your life because like they say, "never give up on someone you cannot go a day without thinking about".  And I will stay true to that.

-nessa.