relationships

A wise friend once told me: Relationships are worth fighting for.  However, you cannot be the only one fighting.  At times, people need to fight for you.  If they don't you just have to move on and realize what you gave them was more than they were ever willing to give you.

I wish I knew what love was.  I really do.  I mean I'm talking direct dictionary definition.  But maybe that is why love is so special afterall; nobody can define love.  Maybe love isn't consisted of a bunch of jumbled words.  I mean sure you could say "I love you" and mean it, but you could tell anyone you love them really.  Actions never fail to speak louder than words.  Maybe love is an action.  People should stop viewing it as a word.

Let's see.  I met a guy in 8th grade.  I had just moved recently and he was the first guy I stumbled upon that I considered to be "the boyfriend type".  Nothing real serious at first.  I remember the first time he called when we were friends.  Oh boy did my heart race.  He had asked me to come to Panera with him and some friends.  That is where it all began.  The boy, his name is Zac, in case you were wondering.  But I thought that was what love was at the time, looking at someone differently than you viewed anyone else.  I thought love was staying on i.m. until midnight just enjoying your typical conversation.  But, with him nothing seemed "typical".

Then March came around and he asked me to be his girlfriend.  I wanted to scream and run and click my heels because I was so happy, however replied with a simple "yes".  Then we hugged for the first time.  At this point, I thought love was in that hug, feeling something so special I had never felt before.  It wasn't just a friend hug this time that my bff would give me.  This was an "I am so happy I found you hug".

Then summer came around.  We had already kissed by then, and he was getting ready to leave for a trip, so we hung out the day before.  That was the first time we actually madeout.  I began to think love was kissing then and realizing, "hey I could get used to this".  I thought love was being able to get along and being able to live with a person.

Then Christmas happened, but not like it does every year.  This year was special cause "love" was in the air.  He got me the dream gift.  Something the "perfect boyfriend" would give you.  It was a necklace from tiffany.  I didn't see that gift coming at all.  I in return gave him gifts too, but my favorite was a picture of us sitting at his piano.  The frame was engraved with a quote I may never forget.  At this point, I thought love was giving gifts and receiving in return.

Then our one year anniversary came around.  WOW.  Most couples in highschool fail to last a whole year.  We were always viewed as the perfect couple.  At this point I felt like that was really coming true.  I felt like I had met the guy of my dreams.  Once again we exchanged gifts we will never forget (not like that people!) and I now had a new vision of love.  I thought love was enjoying the times you spent with someone you cared about and looking at stuff that happened months ago, and still smiling over it.

Then a few days ago came around.  We were recently fighting and he ended the relationship.  I cried the hardest I have ever cried before because I had lost the guy I shared my first "love" connection with.  However, all I wanted to do after that was talk.  He said some sweet things here and there but nothing was what I wanted to hear.  I wanted to hear "I want to be with you".  But, being persistant, we went to Panera recently and talked through some things.  He was telling me how he was scared it wouldn't work again.  I hated hearing those words.  But going through all this, I finally realized what love is.

Love is of course a special bond... but it is so much more than that.  Love is fighting.  Not the kind that involves yelling and screaming, but the kind that involves persistance and hardship and goals and determination.  I knew I loved Zac, always have, and always will.  But it never really showed until now.  I will not let this boy out of my life.  He is everything I life for.  Love is not being able to live without someone, not just being able to live with them.  And when you throw this all together, all my experiences, I finally found a true definition.  It may be too long to put in a dictionary, but my heart now knows what love is.  Love is passion for another person, spending every hour, every minute, every second, you have fighting for them to remain in your life because like they say, "never give up on someone you cannot go a day without thinking about".  And I will stay true to that.

-nessa.